10 Effective Ways to Be a More Present Parent
In the world we live in, forcing yourself to be present can feel like a challenge. Whether it’s at work, visiting your parents, or taking care of your kids, we always seem to have our minds on something else. And how could we not? The average adult with a spouse, children, a job, and a household to maintain has so many things on their mind all the time. How am I going to get to work on time? What am I going to make for breakfast? How can I put some time into the gym today? How could I forget my daughter’s costume for her school event? My mind is constantly buzzing with tasks and as a result, I often find myself not paying attention to what I’m supposed to be doing in the moment.
But, that’s not fair to our little ones, is it? They love having our undivided attention, rightfully so. Since working parents spend so much time away from their children during the day, we should be making the most of the time we have with them when we get home.
Here are some ways to be a more present parent in your kids’ lives, because it’s never too late to start.
I’ll start with the easiest, most obvious, one: put your phone away. I’ll be fair here, though. How can we be expected to stay off of our phones for long when our phones do literally everything for us now? Many important tasks, actually. I don’t only scroll social media on my phone. I also pay bills, take pictures, check my work emails, make my shopping lists, jot down Bebe’s milestones in my notes app, review my daughter’s day on my daycare app, order takeout, order groceries to be delivered, etc. So I don’t think anyone is a bad parent for spending some time on their phone, even when the kids are around. I think a realistic compromise here is to keep your phone nearby, but try to save whatever you need to do for later. Eventually, you will put your children to bed and you’ll have the opportunity to accomplish the millions of things you need to do on your phone. For me, it helps that I have an Apple watch, so I can see on my watch if something important comes up, or if I get a call that I have to answer, without having to have my phone in my hands all the time.
Make an effort to work in some “fun” time with your kids each day. Some people don’t always love playing with their kids because it can get boring or exhausting at times. That’s understandable. But playing with your kids for a little while (even 15 minutes) is better than nothing at all, and your kids will remember that you were willing to play with them. As someone who was more or less raised like an only child (my siblings are all 13+ years older than me and it was mostly just my mom and me), it wasn’t always easy to get someone to play with me at home and I remember that, even now. Occasionally, my husband and I will play with our toddler and get a little too into whatever we’re playing with. When I build a big house with my daughter’s Magna-Tiles, I can get rather protective of it when my toddler wants to knock it down...
Make a real effort to attend most (or at least some) of your children’s events. My daughter is only in daycare, not even in actual school yet, but her daycare always has some kind of event going on that they want parents to attend. It could be a book fair, it could be a group lunch, etc. This always triggers a pang of guilt for me because these events are always scheduled for the middle of the day when I’m at work. Of course, I can’t make it to every single one. If I could, then I wouldn’t need daycare in the first place. But I do make the effort to attend some events and of course, I’m very tuned in to everything going on at the school, especially as it pertains to my daughter.
You need to know all the basics, even if you’re not the primary parent. Growing up, although my father was around (I visited him every other Sunday until I reached adulthood), I know he wouldn’t have been able to tell you who my teachers were, my clothing sizes (unless he asked my mom), the names of all my friends, or where my last fieldtrip was, etc. He wasn’t the primary parent, so perhaps he felt he didn’t need to. But, regardless of whether you’re the mom or dad, or whether you’re the primary parent or not, you need to know these things about your kids. It may not matter much to them now, but they will remember when they get older. So, I implore you to take the time to ask what your child’s favorite color is, their favorite food, the name of their best friend(s), and pay attention to their little quirks. Do they bite their nails? Do they eat their foods in a certain order? Perhaps they love to make people laugh. You need to know these things if you’re their parent.
Give yourself a minimum and stick to it. By this, I mean set a minimum amount of time you’re going to spend with your kids, with minimal distractions, each day and stick to it no matter what. For example, I know that I can spend at least 2 full hours (if not more) with my daughter between when I get home and when she needs to go to sleep. To accomplish this, I always leave work on time and I don’t make other plans after work. The latest I’m willing to stay at work is maybe 15 minutes late, because spending time with my family is my priority after 5:00 p.m. Worse case scenario, if I was forced to stay late at work for some reason, or if something else came up, then I would be willing to put my daughter to bed a little later so that I can get that quality time in. Even when it’s bedtime, we always draw it out a little so that we can snuggle and sing and read stories for a while. It’s worth it.
Listen attentively when your kids are talking to you (for the most part). If you have a toddler that talks non-stop and a lot of it is non-sense (like I do), then you probably don’t need to hang on to every single word. Nonetheless, I do like to listen when my daughter talks because she is often learning new words and stringing together sentences. She also has a cute habit of saying bye-bye to inanimate objects. This period of her life has been packed with speech development. But if you have an older child, then listening is going to be even more important. Stop what you’re doing for a second and make eye contact when they’re talking to you. As a kid, I often felt ignored or brushed off when talking to adults, and it made me feel invisible. The simple act of making eye contact with a child and not interrupting them while they make their point can really go a long way.
Pay attention to their body language. Many children (up to a certain age) have not yet learned the art of “faking it” in social situations yet, so if they’re showing body language (or any non-verbal cues) that indicates discomfort, anger, sadness, or anything else, then those emotions are truly present and should be acknowledged. For example, does your child become quiet when a particular family member shows up? Do they cross their arms and try to make themselves small when attending social functions? Just noticing these things and verbally acknowledging them can make a child feel validated, even if the uncomfortable situation can’t be avoided.
Try to handle chores when the kids aren’t around. I know this isn’t always possible, but it might be occasionally. Although I constantly feel the urge to clean my house, I do try to reel it in if my toddler is around because I don’t want to spend the whole evening cleaning instead of having quality time with her. Instead, I do my best to get all or most of the cleaning done on the days I work from home. Or, if that’s not possible, I will clean on the weekends after she goes to bed. It’s not unheard of to catch me scrubbing my bathtub on a Saturday at midnight.
Be mindful of what you say and do in front of your child. Our children absorb everything from us - good and bad. So, if they hear us speaking badly about someone (not good), they may think it’s okay to do that. Likewise, if you’re children see you exercising regularly (very good), they may pick up that habit down the road. Our children are not always going to be with us, so it’s important to be an example of what we want to see in them.
Try to leave work at work. For us working parents, our jobs can feel all-encompassing. After all, we often spend 8+ hours there, several days per week. But when we’re home, the last thing we want is to keep thinking about work and letting it affect our quality time with our families. That includes answering work calls and checking your work emails (a nasty habit I’ve picked up myself). Develop a sense of entitlement and willingly choose to leave work behind when you walk out the door (or shut your laptop) at the end of the day.
XOXO, Alexis.