Disciplining a 2-Year-Old Without Spanking
As a millennial kid who was raised by baby boomers, I grew up with the belief that spanking was not only commonplace, but necessary. Although my parents definitely didn’t overdo it, I got my share of licks once in a while when I was a kid, and so did all of my friends. As I grew up, however, and began to ponder what it might be like to have a child, I developed the belief that maybe corporal punishment isn’t the only way to discipline a child, contrary to what I’d always been told. That’s not to say that parents who spank their children are necessarily bad - only that I believed (and still believe) that I could find a different way. Of course, it’s important to note that children are far from being a monolith and different children may need different types of discipline.
My husband got pretty lucky with his first daughter, in terms of her behavior. I wasn’t there for her baby years, but he told me that she was a relatively easy baby/toddler, not requiring very much discipline at all. He told me that although she did have tantrums from time to time (which is to be expected of all small children), they were far and few between. Even now as a teenager, she’s still more or less compliant, respectful, and we can expect her to do the right thing on her own. Now that she’s 17 years old and inching closer and closer toward adulthood, we don’t worry too much about how she’s going to adjust after leaving childhood.
Our daughter that we made together, however, is the sassiest little toddler who ever lived, probably. On one hand, she’s incredibly intelligent, thoughtful, sweet, cuddly, and observant. She notices when someone is sad, mad, or crying and will try to comfort them. She also has an amazing memory - if you tell her something today, she will likely remember it next week. Since she’s only 2 years old, we are always impressed by her capabilities.
On the other hand, though, her tantrums are not far and few between, and she’s very strong-willed (much like how I was as a child, I’ve been told). I’m not worried about this. I think it’s important to be strong-willed in the scary world we live in. Although her behavior right now is not necessarily indicative of how her personality will be in the future, it does give me hope that she will one day grow up to be a strong, independent-minded, and responsible adult.
All of that being said, it’s not always easy parenting a tough toddler. The first thing I had to do as Bebe’s mom was learn how to better control my emotions. It helps no one for me to become overstimulated and start losing my sh*t every time my toddler misbehaves. A rule of thumb I always try to live by now is that the crazier my daughter gets, the calmer I have to be. That’s the only effective way to deal with less-than-ideal behavior without resorting to yelling/screaming/spanking. Being calm while my toddler is going nuts wasn’t always easy, but now it’s come to me pretty naturally most of the time. Additionally, I am always looking toward the future, and I know that when my daughter grows up, I don’t want her to look back at her childhood and remember me always being upset and screaming at her. I want her to remember me being a calm and steady mom. I know she will remember my husband that way - he’s about as calm and steady as it gets and always has been.
The second thing I had to do as a “gentle parent” was find alternative ways to discipline a toddler in an age-appropriate and effective way. There are many internet articles, books, documentaries, as well as advice from family members, that you could rely on to find ways to discipline your child without spanking. The best forms of discipline are (1) age-appropriate, (2) fair, (3) effective, and (4) clearly show your child that there are consequences to their actions.
Here are a few corrective/preventative methods that I believe meet all of the above criteria:
Time-outs. This mode of discipline is common and effective for our 2-year-old (most of the time). Here’s the idea: we first let her know that if she keeps engaging in whatever bad behavior she’s into at the moment, we will go to time-out (a warning, basically). If she keeps it up, I pick her up and we go to a quiet, non-stimulating area (like a different room) and I sit down with her facing away from me, and let her know that we can leave time out if she calms down and agrees not to do whatever she was doing before. When she’s a little calmer, I encourage her to take deep breaths. When she’s calm and verbally agrees not to engage in the behavior she was displaying before, I let her out of time out. Some timeouts are longer than others. Sometimes, she’s really good afterward, and sometimes she’s not. Sometimes, a simple warning is enough. It’s a work in progress.
Don’t engage with the bad behavior, if possible. If Bebe is throwing a tantrum at home and there’s no risk of putting herself in danger, I will let the tantrum ride itself out. No need to give attention to this type of behavior. At times, children will behave a certain way to get attention, and we don’t want to reward that.
Taking something away. This method also starts with a warning because I don’t want to just snatch something away from her unexpectedly. But if the warning doesn’t work, then I will take away whatever is bringing her enjoyment in that moment - TV, a toy, coloring stuff, whatever it might be. This method is pretty effective at getting her to stop the bad behavior at hand.
Positive reinforcement when good behavior is displayed. Verbal praise and stickers can go a long way to reward a well-behaving child. However, I try not to give food rewards so that she doesn’t associate food with anything other than hunger and fullness (thus creating an unhealthy relationship with food).
“Natural” consequences. Again, as long as the child isn’t going to put themselves in danger, there’s nothing wrong with natural consequences. An example of this would be if the child is playing rough with their toys and end up breaking them. Or, if they’re playing with a book and they end up ripping the pages.
Set them up for success. It helps to give children access to things they can have, and limit access to things that might get them in trouble. For example, if a toddler is not allowed to drink soda, then don’t allow them to get close enough to soda to be able to take a sip.
Clearly communicate rules and boundaries. You can’t follow rules and boundaries if you don’t know what they are. And you have to keep in mind that babies are born with zero knowledge. So, a child might not even know that it’s bad to hit or bite or throw things at people until their parents teach them.
Always do what you say you’re going to do. This is very important; if you’re going to threaten your child with some form of discipline, make sure it’s something you’re willing to carry out. Also, it’s better if the consequence comes right after the bad behavior, especially if the child is a toddler.
Display the behavior you wish to see in your child. If you want an even-tempered, calm, and kind child then you should also be even-tempered, calm, and kind. Granted, children don’t necessarily mirror their parents’ personalities, but you’ll have a better chance this way than if you are a high-strung, easily angered, and highly reactive parent.
Show empathy and provide comfort when appropriate. Despite what some people say, it’s not easy being a kid. You have no control over your life, you have parents who are constantly making you do things you don’t want to do, and you’re ill-equipped to control your emotions, all while your body and brain are developing at a rapid pace. As parents, I think it’s important to remember that kids are not always going to behave perfectly. In fact, I think it’s unnatural and a little sad when kids behave too well. Showing empathy and trying to understand their point of view can help us connect with them on so many levels.
XOXO, Alexis.